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Thread: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

  1. #3611
    Searching... snehithpereira's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

    ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN HOSPITAL PATIENT CHARTS:

    Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

    The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

    Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

    Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

    The patient refused autopsy.

    The patient has no previous history of suicide.

    Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

    Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40lb weight gain in the past 3 days.

    Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

    Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

    She is numb from her toes down.

    While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

    The skin was moist and dry.

    Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

    Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

    She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

    I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

    Skin: somewhat pale but present.

    The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

    Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

    Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

  2. #3612
    psr
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    Default Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

    A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.
    The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
    You need to use 'big people words," she'd always remind them.
    She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
    "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
    She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
    She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
    She then asked Eddie what he had done "I read a book," he replied. "That's
    wonderful," the teacher said. What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it,
    then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

    Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
    "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
    "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
    "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.
    "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.
    But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
    "I had a heart attack," says the first man.
    "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
    I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either.
    I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
    I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
    The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man.

    "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


    The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
    When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
    She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...
    Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
    Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report or why the dot was exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
    "It's a period," reported Johnny.
    "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
    "Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one.

    Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."



    An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession."Of course, my son," said the priest.

    "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

    "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess", said the priest.

    It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

    "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -- you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

    "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

    "Of course, my son", said the priest.

    The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
    When Was The Last Time,You Did Something For The First Time.

  3. #3613
    Searching... snehithpereira's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

    This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

    He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

    George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

    Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

    -------------------

    A mother took her little boy to church.

    While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

    The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

    The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

    The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”

  4. #3614
    Rusted nadz11.ns's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

    So true !
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    ​-_-
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    Ride safe and have fun.
    Regards
    Nadeem


  5. #3615
    Rusted devils_friend's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

    Best tree you could wish for
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    Neck extension??

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    LOL

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    keshavrana, psr, Fazer89 and 1 others like this.
    The real beauty lies in throttle's twist!!

    Headlight can be replaced, Head cannot be. Wear a helmet.

  6. #3616
    Rusted nadz11.ns's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

    The know who's on their side



    Ride safe and have fun.
    Regards
    Nadeem


  7. #3617
    psr
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    Default Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

    A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane.
    The daughter was coming home from the Peace Corps in Uganda and surprises her Mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoth ball soup.

    The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter.

    Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

    Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

    "Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

    "He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

    "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

    The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

    The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot. .I said RICH doctor! not a WITCH Doctor"


    The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove who is the best at apprehending criminals.
    The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
    The LAPD goes in.

    They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"



    A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
    "We don't need any one," they replied.

    "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing."

    "We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

    He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that," they asked.

    "I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."

    "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

    "Why's that?" he asked.

    "Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

    He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

    "That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

    "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"



    A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers.
    However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent.
    He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
    The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
    "Why not?" the pastor asked.
    "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf."
    "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."
    So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
    After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of applause.
    He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
    "Well, now they know you're one of us." said the bartender.
    "Would you like a drink?"
    "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place."
    "Now, how about that drink?"



    Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"
    "To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
    "Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"
    "Ah! Now there’s a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."


    A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."

    The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

    The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

    The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

    The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

    The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

    The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

    The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."

    "Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
    Divya Sharan and nadz11.ns like this.
    When Was The Last Time,You Did Something For The First Time.

  8. #3618
    Rusted nadz11.ns's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

    He had that coming..


    Well done..


    Who's the doc ?


    No one cam explain the History !
    keshavrana and Rakesh Rok like this.

    Ride safe and have fun.
    Regards
    Nadeem


  9. #3619
    Live2Race Rakesh Rok's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

    Finally he got it with the help of a R1 ,



    Cheers!!!
    Yamaha Rx135 - 2005 - 2007 (stolen :mad:)
    Scooty Pep - 2008 - 2012 (sold)
    Honda Unicorn - 2012 - 2015 (crashed)
    Hero Honda Splendor+ 2015 - present (temporary ride)
    Bajaj Pulsar AS200 - 16th September 2015 - present ride

    10 years into riding :D
    Live2Race. . .

  10. #3620
    Keyboard Warrior chaosaddict's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

    MODS CAN DELETE, if inappropriate


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    BENEATH THE REMAINS.........
    Instagram - chaosaddict666 (follow for atypical uploads on heavy metal, bikes, alcohol, chakna, life, fashion yada, yada)
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