Well, here goes nothing. Just to start off the moss. My first one for the forum (more to come )


Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.”Son, where were you today?” The son says “at school dad.” Robot slaps the son! “OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!” “What DVD?” “Toy story.” Robot slaps the son again! “OK, it was a %&%*o”Dad yells “What! When I was your age I didn’t know what %&%* was!” Robot then slaps the dad!
Mom laughs “HAHAHA! He’s certainly YOUR son.” Robot then slaps the mom….

===============================================+



Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said, “Since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.”
Another said, “Me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since.”

Cheers!
VJ

Three clean jokes; bet you'd atleast smile...

The Wife's Revenge
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of hardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a Few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtor's refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... including the curtain rods!!



The Assasin
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training and testing before candidates are even considered for the position.

After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair.

Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"


Some Philosophy
1. Most Important Thing For
WOMEN Is FINANCIAL SECURITY !

2. Although This Is Important, They Still Go Out & Buy
Expensive Clothes !

3. Although They Always Buy Expensive Clothes , They Never
Have Anything To Wear !

4. Although They Never Have Nothing To Wear They Always
Dress Beautifully !

5. Although They Always Dress Beautifully,
They Are Never Satisfied !

6. Although They Are Never Satisfied, They Always Expect Men
To Compliment Them !

7. Although They Expect Men To Compliment Them, When They Do
They Don't Believe Them ...

This is one goddamn joke, bet you will laugh...

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on, this fighting between our nations, this hatred, and this animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN!!

Power of punctuation

An English professor asked his students to punctuate the following sentence:
“A woman without her man is nothing”

All of the boys in the class wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing”

All of the girls in the class wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing”

Never mess up with your Wife...

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Seven jokes made me Lol this morning...

#1 An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."


#2 "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."


#3 A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."


#4 One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!


#6 A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"


#7 A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

Bet you'll LOL

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Jew sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Jew kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."


"Don't get up," said the Jew. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Jew's shoe and spat in it. When the Jew returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."


Again, the Jew obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Jew's other shoe and spat in it. When the Jew returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.


"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on, this fighting between our nations, this hatred, and this animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

the best joke i have come across recently


A letter has been sent from a husband :
Dear Sweetheart :
Reading letter
I can’t send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, your husband.
Your Loving Husband.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.
5. Other expenses 40 kisses.
kiss
Please don’t worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope that I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, please advise.
Your Sweet Heart.

Read this few years ago

IIRC, the Wife would only propose saying this is how the kisses will be spent & then Husband sends the money immediately

Nevertheless it's a good & clean joke

people who have never come across this can enjoy

So Gentlemen prefer Blonde's eh! Well, you can say that again! And here is why..

THE REDHEAD


A young Redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible”, says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“No, ” she says, ” I’m actually a Blonde.”
“I thought so, the doctor says. “Your finger is broken.”
======================================

BLONDE AND THE HUMBLE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”\
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun. You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
======================================

Now to our part...

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.
“Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy."

Cheers!
VJ

What is NAKKAL?

Nakkal in Tamil (colloquial terms & not the real meaning) means saying or doing something which is not to be done in a humorous way; for example...

A Man went hunting and shot a Deer. He proudly brought it home for Lunch.
He wanted it to be a surprise for his kids, so didn't reveal what he brought home...
Being a Man of the House he also wanted to play a little tease on his kids,and wanted them to guess what it is...
When the family sat down to have lunch, he announced ," Guys guess what I shot and brought for our meal ?...
I will give you a clue...it is what your mother calls me"...
Immediately the Eldest Son shouted." Don't eat it ..It is a DOG."

-------------------------

And our own...


Sonia Gandhi with the Queen of England.

Sonia - "Your Majesty, now that I am also a Queen... of the Gandhi-Nehru
dynasty in India...are there... any tips you can give to me to stay in power?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Sonia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle.

"The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David - would you come in
here, please ?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."
" Very good ! Thank you , David - that will be all!" said the Queen.

Then she turned to Sonia with a smile and said "See?".

Now its Sonia's turn to apply same logic....

Sonia went back to India and called Manmohan Singh and asked...

"Manmohanji, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Manmohan. "Let me get back to you on that one..."

Manmohan went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give
him an answer.

Finally, he ran into Narendra Modi and asked, "Narendrabhai, can you
answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Narendra Modi answered, "That's easy, it's me!"

Manmohan said, "Thanks man!" Then, he phoned Sonia. " Madam , I did some
thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Narendra Modi:'( !!!"

Sonia slapped her head....and shouted;

"No! You idiot! It's David Cameron!"



Cheers!
VJ