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While husband working in the office, his Wife called him, frantically he lifted the phone and answered


Husband - Honey, what is it.
Wife asks - What date is today.
Husband - I dont know
Wife hangs up the phone.


Confused, he kept thinking why would she do like that. He tries to recollect from his rusted memories, is it her birthday, no no, marriage date, no no, then my birthday , hell no. What else could it be.




The whole day in office went by just pondering over this petty thing. He returned home from work, just to find his kid playing on the lawn. He asks his child -

What happened at home today, is everything ok.
Son - Nothing dad, eveything is fine.
Dad - Then why did your mom asked me the date today and when I didnt answer, she kept the phone.
Son - Ah, i was playing and tore the daily calendar sheet, thats why she asked you.


Dad faints and falls on the lawn....

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A man came running out of the operation theatre, the attendant stopped him and asked


Sir, What happened, why are you running like this
Man: I am scared, the nurse repeatedly kept telling, it is just going to be alright, it is just a minor operation, Just dont worry.

Attendant - So, whats wrong in it, she was just trying to comfort you.
Man - You fool, She was telling it to the Surgeon.

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A Lady went on vacation, leaving her husband behind.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.

The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: "The cat just died."

Lady bursts into tears and says: "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing... By the way, how is my mom?"

Husband: "She is playing on the roof..."

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The pope is very ill, and nobody can cure him. The cardinals call in an old physician recommended to them. After an hour long examination, he comes up with a solution.
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The pope has a rare testicular disorder. The good news: He can be cured.....with sex."
The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the pope.
"I'll agree to it," says the pope." But under four conditions."
The cardinals are shocked." What are the four conditions?" asks one.
"First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex.
Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.
And third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After a long pause, a cardinal asks, "And the fourth condition:"
Pope replies..."Big b**bs".
.
.
.
Men will be Men.

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A game of cricket can be full of injuries without the proper safety equipment.

The first L Guard was used in 1874. And the first helmet was used in 1974.

So basically, it took men all around the world 100 years to realize their head was as important as their balls.

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Man goes to the ATM to withdraw 400 rs.

ATM throws out a 1000 rs note and displays - Keep the change you filthy animal !!

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The odd man out.

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An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled... "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the
front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her the
paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by
the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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Why does it suck to be a d**k?
Because your nearest neighbor is an asshole, your two best friends are nuts, and you throw up when you get excited.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Arab were talking about the gifts they'd gotten for their wives on their birthdays.

Frenchman- I got my wife a diamond ring and gloves. So that if she doesn't like the ring, she can cover it with gloves.

Englishman- I got my wife and antique brooch and a scarf. So that if she doesn't like the brooch, she can hide it with the scarf.

Arab- I got my wife a Ferrari and a d**do. So that if she doesn't like the Ferrari, she can go f**k herself.

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders his drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the burly woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, there's five things that you should know:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with anger management issues.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'Nope...not if I've gotta explain it five times.'

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Two statues, male and female, have been facing each other for centuries. An angel, feeling bad for these would-be lovers, comes down from heaven, brings them to life and says, "I can only give you 30 minutes of life, use it wisely." The living statues look at each other with excitement and jump behind the bushes. The angel blushes but smirks a bit as the bushes rustle violently. 15 minutes later the statues come out flushed and elated. "That was the best ever!" they cry. "Guys, you still have 15 minutes," says the angel. The male statue looks at the female statue and says, "Okay, this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL crap on its head!"

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood (the thing). Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND WASH TOO!!!"

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A man calls a Dentist to inquire about the cost for tooth extraction.
Dentist : Rs 850 Sir.
Man : Rs 850!!! Too much! Don't you have anything cheaper?
Dentist : That's the normal charge, Sir.
Man : What if you don't use any anesthetic?
Dentist : That's unusual, Sir, but can be done and will cut the cost by Rs 400 .
Man : Ok. And what if you deploy one of your trainee-dentists to do the extraction, without anesthetic?
Dentist : Well, I cannot guarantee professionalism and it also would be painful. But the price could drop down to Rs 150.
Man : Hmm. What if you make it like a training-session, like one of your students does the extraction, while the other students watch and learn?
Dentist : It'll be good for the students but quite traumatic. And I can pay you Rs 200 for it.
Man : Now you're talking! Okay, it's a deal. Can I confirm an appointment for my mother-in-law for tomorrow then..?

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything
behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

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A rabbi, a lawyer and a Catholic priest are on a sinking ship.
The rabbi says "oy! Save the children!"
The lawyer says, "aah, screw the children."
The priest says, "do you really think there's time for that?"

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A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair,
""

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once upon a time

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Captain of The Titanic just before the ship starts to sink : Ice Bucket Challenge!"

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A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

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A classic example of effective communication :
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
Son-in-Law - 'Yes, Dave, what is it?'
Father-in-law - 'Don't be nervous son. do your best and just remember, if something happens to me............your mother in law will come and live with you.'
Needless to say the surgery was a great success.

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A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."