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One day, Banta met Santa riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.
Banta : "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Santa : "Dogs don't talk."
Banta : "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' good."
Santa is shocked...
Banta :"Is Santa your owner?" pointing at Santa.
Dog: "Yep"
Banta :"How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Santa has a look of total disbelief.
Banta :"Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Santa :"Horses don't talk."
Banta :"Hey horse, how are you ?"
Horse: "Good."
Banta :"Is this your owner? " pointing at Santa.
Horse: "Yep"
Banta : "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain."
Santa stares in utter amazement.
Banta :"Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Santa :" Sheep is a liar."

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A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted

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These translations are for all the wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH,""SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song of 'Star Wars', the address and phone no.of the first girl I had crush on and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

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The old cowboy came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..." - said the sheriff.
"Howdy, Sheriff..." - replied the cowboy.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..." - said the sheriff.
"what's wrong Sheriff?" - replied the cowboy.
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?" - asked the sheriff.
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..." - stated the cowboy.
"And that cures them?" - said the sheriff.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.

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One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'p***s' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.

Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'p****s' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

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Can I now post explicit adult hilarious images here?

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An old hillbilly farmer and his nagging wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

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A man went to a doctor and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his p****s erect.
The doctor told him that the muscles around the base of his p****s were damaged from a viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work if he were willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's p****s.
The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.
So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his p****s immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "that was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another bread roll up my arse..."

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To the moderators:

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Husband teaching wife how to drive a car


Husband: Switch on the indicators before you make a turn
Wife: Why should I, what do you mean by turn on the indicators
Husband: So that othes will know where you are going


Ultimate Reply....
Wife: Where I am going is nobody's business

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Boss calls the new peon to his office and asks him


Boss: Ramu, I have never seen anyone bringing me coffee in this 30 years, without spilling it. How did you manage to do it.
Ramu: Babuji, while i pour coffee in the cup, I sip a little from the cup and when I come near your cabin, I put it back inside.


Boss faints

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A woman awakes one morning to find her beloved dog keeled over on the carpet. In distress she takes the dog to the vet who checks the dog and shakes his head.

“Ma’am, I think you’re dog is dead,” he says.

The woman, wringing her hands says, “Oh but doctor, can’t you be sure? I would hate to bury my beloved dog alive accidentally!”

The doctor tells her there is one test left that he can do to be sure, and brings a cat into the room. The cat walks all around the dog, sniffing and pawing at it and at one point, licks the dog. Then the cat looks up at the vet, shakes its head and walks out of the room.

“Ma’am”, says the doctor, “Now I am sure the dog is dead. That’ll be $450.”

“$450???,” the woman says, aghast, “How did you come up with that number?”

“Well,” says the vet, “It’s $50 for the visit…but $400 for the cat scan.”

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Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You'll know tonight," he softly whispered.

That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.

It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

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Now its the turn of horses to ride enfields

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