Ain't this true?

A Horse, a Chicken & a Harley - NO OFFENCE

A Horse, a Chicken & a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story: "When you're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

Apologize if I've posted this earlier here

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." He replied.

Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36."

Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing an adjacent hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken'.

The dumb husband

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Sam and his Wife, Jane, decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, Sam held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, Jane began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 10-15 minutes of listening to Jane, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, Jane sat there - speechless. He looked over at Sam who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to Sam, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

Sam scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Wednesdays and Saturdays"

Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years.
Lesson learned.

Why do women live longer than men? Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bills does.


A group of idiots led by a wise man can defeat a group of wise people led by an idiot.


I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, and Real shit. \


Common sense is so rare it should be considered a superpower nowadays

Life was so much easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits!



Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.


A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed.


Human Brain is amazing. It functions 24 hours for 365 days. It functions right from the time we were born and only stops when we TAKE EXAM.

A first-grade teacher, Ms Tulip, age 28, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked," Boy, what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "

Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Tulip: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."

Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut

Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum

Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands

Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.

Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent

Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose

Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck

Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork

Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME

Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"

Chancese elle machi --- great

Bill and Hillarious Clinton

This is my property, and you are not coming over hereWhat is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives upNo, I give up. You can have the duck!

I am astonished!



Cheers!
VJ