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Just bumped into this thread, I can't believe that I hadn't come across after almost 2 years of being a member on xbhp . These posts are freakin hilarious. Good going guys.

This'll be a different genre, but the effects are the same


On a very quiet night:
Pilot: "Fark I'm bored"
Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self"
Pilot: "I said I was farking bored, not farking stupid"



Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Making a Baby!
A Couple, Suresh and Reeta ,in the US., were
unable to conceive and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, he
kissed her and said, ' I'm going to office. The
man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-
door baby photographer rang the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come
to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' She cut in,
embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.';
'Have you really?' said the photographer.
'Well, that's good. Do you know Babies are
my Speciality?'
'Well that's what I hope. Please do come
in!'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well,
where do we start?':$
'Leave everything to me. None can
guarantee a good one every time. I usually
try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, a
couple on the bed, even living room floor is
fun. I try different positions, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', She gasped
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to
take his time. I'd love to be in and out in 5
mins, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'
'I know,' She said quietly.
He opened his briefcase & pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done
on the top of a bus,'
'Oh, my God!' She exclaimed!
'These twins turned out exceptionally well -
when you consider their mother was so
difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?':s
'Yes, I finally had to take her to the park.
People crowded around to get a good look!'
'A good look?' She said , her eyes wide with
amazement.
'For 3 hours, She was squealing and yelling -
I could hardly concentrate, & when darkness
approached, I had to rush my shots.'
'Ma'am, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can start right away!'
...'Tripod?
'I need Tripod To rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be hand held '
Mrs Reeta fainted

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One day there were four girls in line for confessional.The first girl said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."He asked how.She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.The second girl comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."He asked how."I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.Then he heard the third and fourth girls fighting. He asked why they were fighting.The fourth girl said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

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A Girl's facebook status:-"Travelled in Bus
after long time"
Comments Left by Male friends :-
1) Awww, so sweet..!!!
2) May be nextime will go together
sweetie...!!!
3) Wow, i want to experience it..!!!
4) You went without me..?
5) Wonderful dear..!!!
A Boy's facebook status:- "Travelled in Bus
after a long time.."
Comments Left by same Male friends :-
1) Haan toh saale hum kya kare..?
2) Bas yehi teri aukat hai.!!
3) Kamine ab auto mai bhi jaiga toh status
update karega kya..??
4) Baap ko bol kam se kam cycle lekar de..!!!
5) Usi bus ka conductor ban ja kutte..
6) Ticket kharida ki nahi Bhikhari?

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Wife: I love you baby..
Husband: (softly) i love you too..
Wife: Aise kyun bola..??
Husband: Bas thoda mood off tha..
Wife: Doston ke saath to bade khush rehte
ho, aur mere saath hi drame..
Husband: (pyar se) Aisa kuch nahi jaanu,
tabiyat thodi theek nahi hai..
Wife: Haan abhi dost phone karega to 2 sec
me tabiyat theek ho jayegi..
Husband: Dost kahan se aa gaye, mera
mood thoda upset hai bas..
Wife: Mere saath hi ye sab hota hai, friends
ke saath enjoy karte ho, badi has has k
pictures click karwate ho. Ya koi aur ladki
pasand aa gayi..??
Husband: (aur jyada pyar se) arrey, kahan se
kahan baat le jaa rahi ho..?
Wife: Aaj sab clear hoga!!
Husband: Kya clear karna hai jaanu, aisa kya
ho gaya..??
Wife: (khud confused) Jab tum khud clear
nahi, tumhe kuch pata nahi to me kya
bolun..!!
Husband: (trying to act smart) Tumhe hua
kya hai!! kis baat pe upset ho?? Batao!!
Wife: Tumhari sangat hi kharab hai!!
Husband: Mere saath to tum ho!!
Wife: Ab bohot ho gaya, ab aur nahi!!
Husband: (fully crashed) Hua kya hai, ye to
bata do..
Wife: Hum ab saath nahi reh sakte?..
Husband: Ye baat kahan se aayi?..
Wife: i want Divorce..
Husband: Hmmmm ok?..
Wife: (gone crazy) Haan, yehi chahte ho tum
to, fir tum jo marzi kar sako..
Husband: Arrey tumne khudne bola abhi,
maine kya galat kaha..
Wife: Itni problem thi to bola kyun nahi, me
khud bina bole chali jaati tumhari life se..
Husband: (apne baal pakad kar) Mujhe meri
galti to bata do..
Wife: Waqt aane pe pata chalegi tumhe apne
aap, jab me chali jaungi..
Husband: Acha, to me wait karta hoon sahi
waqt ka..
Wife: Tum serious kab hoge..??
Husband: Ab kya hospital me admit ho jaun
serious hone k liye?..
Wife: Go to hell..!!
Husband: Dont call me again?..
AFTER 3 HOURS..
Wife: Tumhe pata hai na me tumhare bina
nahi reh sakti jaanu, sorry i love you my
baby..
Husband: (Sab bhool kar) Acha, i love you
tooo
Wife: upset kyun lag rahe ho?............... !!!!=))

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'Safety first' slogans... 1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9. If you slip between her thighs,be sure to condomize 10. It will be sweeter if you wrapyour peter 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12. If you go into heat, package your meat 13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your pe*is 14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse 15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker 17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18. The right selection will protect your erection 19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil 20. A crank with armor will never harm her 21. No glove, no love!... ..

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Would like to share a real life anecdote (would qualify for Life's Like That in Reader's Digest)


Once me & a friend were riding back to home from my office at peak hour traffic.
There was a complete traffic jam & not an inch to move, & a moron girl on her activa with her friend as pillion was honking incessantly like crazy.
My friend got too much irritated, & unable to bear any more of the honking he turned around & said to the girl, "Cool down ma'm, why are you getting so horny??" & then he started laughing hysterically

Even i couldn't control it... I was like my way back home...!!!

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I don't care where he is going, or who he is or where he's from. But just one word for this determination. RESPECT!!

Just proves it, isn't it. Do the best with what you have. You will always have someone who admires you.



Cheers!
VJ

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^^ i can understand everything, but not --- what that pink color doll is doing there...???

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There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and decided to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full"...

----consecutive posts auto-merged-----

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children."You all have obsessions," he observed.To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."He turned to the second mom."Your obsession is money. Again,it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

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Ha ha ha ha ha... oh man...

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A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says,"Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." ----consecutive posts auto-merged-----DIFFERENCE B/W MAN & WOMAN........ A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needsA Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need..A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife...A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend, A successful woman is one who can find such a man...To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a littleTo be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try tounderstand her.. at all Married men live longer than single man, but married men area lot more willing to die...A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't, A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does...

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3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce...The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her.".. He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.The next guy came up and said,"I cheated on my wife a lot".. He gets a scooter.Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!".. and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates"...

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I don't know if you heard about them, but here we go:

plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!"

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Good one