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The know who's on their side

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A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane.
The daughter was coming home from the Peace Corps in Uganda and surprises her Mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoth ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter.

Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot. .I said RICH doctor! not a WITCH Doctor"


The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove who is the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"



A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need any one," they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing."

"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that," they asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"



A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent.
He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of applause.
He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us." said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place."
"Now, how about that drink?"



Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"
"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"
"Ah! Now there’s a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."


A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."

The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

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He had that coming..


Well done..


Who's the doc ?


No one cam explain the History !

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Finally he got it with the help of a R1 ,



Cheers!!!

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MODS CAN DELETE, if inappropriate

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1 badshah apne sipahiyo ke sath ek
talab par nahane ke liye gaya waha
kuch ladkiya pehle se naha rahi thi
badshah ki sawari aate dekh wo sari
bahar aa gayi unme se ek ladki
badshah ko pasand aa gayi..!!
Badshah apne mahel wapas
aaya,lekin badshah ki nazro ke
samne bar bar usi ladki ki surat aa
rahi thi,uska mann kisi kaam me
nahi lag raha tha,raat hui sari raat
badshah usi ladki ke bare me sochta
raha,subah usne apne sipahiyo ko
hukm diya jao pata karo wo ladki
kaha rehti hai,sipahiyo ne pata
lagaya,
Uss ladki ka baap sunaar tha,
badshah ne sunaar ko darbar me
bulaya.
4 din guzarne k baad bhi sunar
badshah k darbar me nahi
aya,badshah ne dubara bulawa
bheja,is bar 8 din guzar gaye wo
nahi aaya,badshah ko gussa aa gaya
aur usne sunar ko giraftar karne k
liye Sipahi bheje.
Jab woh Sunar k ghar pahuche to
ghar ko Tala laga hua tha,
Badshah ne Sipahiyon ko Hukm diya
ki Sunaar ko dhundo.
Sipahiyo ne sunar ko har jagah
dhunda lekin wo unko kahi nhi mila.
Fir unhone ek tarkeeb nikali aur
ailaan kiya ke jo bhi sunaar ko
dhundne me madat karega use 1kg
sona diya jayega.ek hafta guzar
gaya,
Fir bhi sunaar nahi mila.
Fir ailaan kiya gaya ki jo bhi sunaar
ko chupne me madat karega use
sooli pe chadaya jayega.aur ek hafta
guzar gaya,
Fir bhi sunaar nahi mila.
Fir 1 mahina guzar gya fir bhi sunar
nhi mila
Fir raja ne ailaan kiya ki agar sunar
nhi mila toh woh pure rajya ko saja
dega fir bhi sunar nahi mila.
Aakhir mei raja ne aas paas ke kahi
rajyo ke raja o se madat maangi,
Unhone bhi sunar ko apne apne
rajya mei dhoonda fir sunar nhi
mila.
Badshah mayus ho gaya,ek din
badshah ne ek sapna dekha sapne
me usi taalab ko dekha aur sapne
me hi daud kar us taalab ke pas
gaya lekin waha bhi koi nahi
tha,udas hokar jab piche palta to ek
gyani baba nazar aaye unhone nadi
ko lag kar ek jhopde ki taraf ishara
kiya aur kaha tujhe jiski talash hai
wo wahi hai,badshah chaunk kar
nind se utha aur apne sipahiyo ko
lekar us talab ke pas gaya,waha wo
sapne wala jhopda use nazar
aaya,badshah khush ho gaya,aur jab
jhopde me ghusa to ek ladki aur aur
ek boodha aadmi nazar aaye,lekin
wo ladki badsurat thi aur uska baap
bhikhari tha.
Ab bhi sunar nahi mila,
Aakhir kar tang aakar badshah ne
apne sipahiyo ko Nakara karar diya
aur case CBI ko saunp diya,
Phir bhi SUNAR nahi MILA,
Aur aakhir Raja ka,uske siphaiyon
ka,dusre rajya walo ka aur CBI walo
ka Sunar ko dhundne me sara Waqt
aise barbad hua jaise Aap ka is
message ko padhne me hua...
jis ka koi matlab nahi.
Hasna mat, mere sath bhi aisa hua
tha..!!
kisi aur ko bhej ke badla le lo! 😛
Sunar mil jae to bata dena ushki
ladki bahut khubsurat hai ..!!
Sent from my GT-I9070 using xBhp Connect mobile app

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Why blood, ah! same plood.



Cheers!
VJ

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Dropping BOMBS

A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying.
The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb.
They land the airplane and see what happened...
First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.
Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.
Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.
They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."

-------------------------

Hillary in heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

--------------------

No Great Loss

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

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I don't want to live in planet anymore!!

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How Morgan Freeman would explain....



Cheers!
VJ

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When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and oured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,'said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18.There will always be time to clean the house and fix the
disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

True?



For all the resolution makers :P



Undeniable fact.



__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___________________________________

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her
husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not
all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.