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Might be useful for us



And then xD




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Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

I saw a man almost naked, fleeing down the hall of the hospital; from his appearance I could make out that he's running just before his operation.

I stopped him & asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

So I said, "Dude, she was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"Mate", he said, "she was talking to the doctor."

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

TICKLE ME ELMO


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8.00am.

The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry", he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....


Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat put in as well.


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A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The fornication finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Hardly able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No,
I Norwegian."

--------------------

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How can we achieve 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these

Questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far @$$ kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and ASSKISSING that will put you over the top!

Disclaimer - Practice the above at your own risk.

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Q: Why do they call it 'PMS' ?


A: Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

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Super fantastic explanation; awesome & marvelous explanation. Would rate it 118...err...103...no no, 100/100 lol

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One day the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president & said "Dave, we're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Clara will have to be laid off" Dave was confused because, Clara was his best worker and Jack has a wife and three kids & didn't know whom to fire.

So, the next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Clara was the first one to come in, so Dave said, "Clara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Clara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

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There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked,"What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, and then the boy innocently replied, "Eleven."

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for the working guyzz

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Tastes like


Nervous xD


Disney channel



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I found below lines dam true, rather than funny.....and curious, what will happen if these kind of people will come again in power.....OMG...


Interviewer: Why should I appoint you Operation Manager for this factory?

Candidate: Sir, in my childhood, my grandmother was murdered by our servant (who taught me playing football) and I was angry at this. Later, my father broke his leg in an accident. I became more angry. So, please give me this job.

Interviewer: Are you nuts! How can you ask for a manager's job just on the basis of your grandmother and father's sufferings?

Candidate: Sir, if Rahul Gandhi can ask for PM's post for same reasons, can't I ask for manager's job......

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Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

Nice one...

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

Sardar idli
bana raha tha

Wife:
Tum itni achhi
aur badi idli
kaise banate ho?

Sardar:
Mere paas idli banane wala
kapda hai

Wife:
Haramkhor
yeh meri BRA hai. 

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Gender discrimination at its best:

Cow dung is holy.
Bull Shit is not.