Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

The Secret of Smoking


A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her steps smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her.

Doc: I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?
Lady: I smoke ten cigars a day" she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all.
Doc: That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?
Lady:Thirty-four.

**************
Why women live a better, longer & a peaceful life?
Because, women don't have a wife.

**************
Maths & Women are the two most complicated things in this world...
But maths at least has some logic!

**************
After robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing?
Clerk: Yes.
Robber shot him dead & asked d next clerk: Did u?
2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u!

**************
What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

**************
A woman with 14 children, ranging in age from 1-14, went to court to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.
"When did he leave you?" the judge asked.
"Thirteen years ago," the tired mother replied.
The judge was confused. "Well, if he left thirteen years ago, where did all these children come from?"
"Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

THE NEW FIRM
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
* * * * *

TALENTED EMPLOYEE
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!”
* * * * *
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse: you cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shalt Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

BUMPER STICKER
(created by Elliott Isenberg)

Ignorance of the Law of Karma is No Excuse!
* * * * *

HOW TO RESPOND TO A REJECTION LETTER
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer, just send them the following announcement:

To Whom It May Concern:
Thank you for your letter of [date]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [your Company]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately. I look forward to working with you. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

----consecutive posts auto-merged-----

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

***An old yet classic Corporate lesson***

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch ".

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always allow the boss to speak first

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

THE QUIZ
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “manager.” The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
--This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
--This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
--This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
--This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many little pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old. They don't even have that level of achievement!

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

^^ [MENTION=32286]psr[/MENTION] - ROFL; that salary dog is undoubtedly me, whoooosh!!!

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

At present level of Inflation it is the case for all of us....

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

[MENTION=32286]psr[/MENTION] ji, ROFL


Bloody!!



Cheers!
VJ

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

UPMA ?

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, meets a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was simply ' amazing', very much of her dream guy, she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.


A few days later she killed her FIRST sister

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

Pls give this some thought as why this happened before scrolling down for the answer...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again


If you answered this correctly, congratulations...You think absolutely like a psychopath


This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...


-
📲 Sent from my Nexus !

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

HUMOROUS SIGNS
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
Sign at a Public Restroom:
We aim to keep this place clean.
Your aim will help!!!
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
At a Chicago Radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.
Sign on the back of another septic tank truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is FULL of Political Promises.

If our food, drinks, and service aren’t up to your standards, please lower your standards.

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...













Sent from my Spice Mi-530 using Tapatalk 4 Beta

Re: Hilarious Quotes/Pictures/Answers ...

NOT YET READY FOR BUSINESS AT A NEW STORE
Two European businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no inventoried stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Asian tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick accent asked “What you sell?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We're selling ass-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the Asian man said, “You doing very well… only two left!”